The age old saying goes ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’, but what happens when closure for a relationship is taken out of our hands?
It’s widely accepted that one of the worst and most antisocial behaviours when it comes to dating is ghosting – when someone cuts off all contact with you, without any explanation. And when you find yourself on the receiving end of it, even after one or two dates, it can feel worse than a regular breakup.
But why does being ghosted hurt so much and how do we create our own closure to move on?
‘I’ve been ghosted many times in the six years that I have been single, I think it’s par for the course when it comes to modern dating now,’ explains Alice Gray, 30, from Cardiff.
‘The most recent ghosting incident was after I’d been dating a guy for a few months. It seemed to be progressing and we were getting on extremely well. Suddenly, it disintegrated to nothing – he disappeared, with no answers and no replies. It was like I meant nothing, the time and effort I’d put in also meant nothing, that I didn’t even deserve a gentle ‘let down’ or the respect of a conversation.’
Rachel* from Edinburgh also faced the realities of being ghosted first hand by her boyfriend after he vanished without explanation.
She says: ‘When I was 22, I was working as a junior producer and met a guy through mutual friends. He was older and established in the industry and was asking me out on dates. Very quickly it moved on to him being very romantic and I was over the moon.
‘It seemed like it was going to be a long-term relationship, I had things at his house and we were planning holidays. I left his house one morning, he kissed me at the train station and I never heard from him again.’
However, the pain of ghosting can take hold before a relationship has even really formed – Becky*, 27 from Liverpool felt ‘totally heartbroken’ after the person she was speaking to ghosted her after just two dates.
Becky says: ‘I genuinely felt like I was losing my mind – in reality I don’t think I even liked her that much, but her choice to ignore me intensified all my emotions and it took me way longer to get over it than such a brief encounter should.’
Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, explains that being ghosted can actually cause major – and long lasting – problems for people’s mental wellbeing.
Dr Elena says: ‘Ghosting hurts because it’s a form of rejection and rejection is always hard, regardless of whatever psychological vulnerabilities a person has. On top of that, the very nature of ghosting is that it comes alongside silence and therefore with no form of closure.
‘The person is also left trying to make sense out of what happened (and why). For someone who struggles with abandonment issues, ghosting can be especially painful because it reinforces earlier experiences of loss.’
Jessica Alderson, co-Founder & relationship expert at SO SYNCD, agrees: ‘When someone ghosts you, it can be even more painful than officially ending things because it can seem like the ghoster was so uninvested that they didn’t even think what you had together justified a closure conversation.
‘When you deeply care about someone or you think you have the potential for something great, this can be heartbreaking.’
For Alice, this was the case when she was ghosted: ‘The times I have been ghosted, especially after spending a significant amount of time dating someone, left me feeling very disoriented and confused. I felt embarrassed and humiliated that I had invested time in someone who saw me as disposable.’
When it comes to moving on from being ghosted, the process can take longer and be more painful due to the ‘what ifs’ and ‘was it something I did’ questions. It can be tempting to send a follow-up text (or twelve) to the person who has seemingly cut you out of their life without a second thought in a bid to gain closure.
However, relationship expert Jessica urges victims of ghosting to ‘do nothing’.
‘Whatever you do, don’t chase them. If they don’t respect or prioritise you enough to reply, which can literally take a few seconds, they aren’t worthy of your time or energy. It’s best to move on because if you chase them, your dynamic will become even more imbalanced which isn’t healthy.
‘Closure will help you move on but the key here is to give it to yourself. You don’t need anyone but yourself for closure.’
For psychologist Dr Elena, the key to getting over being ghosted is to accept that the right person for you wouldn’t behave like this: ‘Realise that it says much more about them and their own relational abilities than it does about you.
‘If a person is struggling to communicate effectively in the earlier stages of dating then there are likely to be problems later on too.
Of course, that doesn’t make it any easier at the time. I would encourage someone to validate all the different feelings that come up (regardless of how short the relationship was) and be kind to themselves. In time, things will feel easier. For many, ghosting is enough of a red flag to move on from.’
*Names have been changed.
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