InLalalaletmeexplain'shit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
I was seeing a guy for five months. I met his family and friends, he met my daughter, and we had plans for him to meet the rest of my family. We were in regular communication throughout our working days. We'd speak on the phone during lunch breaks, most evenings he'd stay over, and we'd dinner together. We booked our first holiday together and then a week before the day we were supposed to fly, he ghosted me.
After three days of silence, I thought something must've happened to him, so I went to his house (I have a key). I found him there in bed and he told me he wanted to be left alone. I gave him space and then after a few days I tried to message and call, but got no response.
Then after three weeks he silently removed me from social media. I don’t know what I did wrong. We didn’t argue or anything. I’m losing my mind over the possibilities of what might've caused this. Last time we spoke things were completely normal, nothing was wrong, no rows or issues. It’s been just over a month and today I drove past him at the traffic lights. I feel like I’m reliving all the early emotions and confusion again. I was bound to see him as we live in the same area. I just don’t know what to do.
Lala says…
It's been hard for me to not begin this with a tirade of expletives about this man and the way he's treated you. A relationship ending out of the blue is hard, but for it to end in this way, where you have no answers, no respect, no communication, it’s beyond cruel.
He's pulled the rug out from underneath you and basically dashed it on your head and left you completely in the dark. I’m not surprised that you feel completely discombobulated and confused. Dealing with that whilst also single parenting must've been extremely hard.
Being ghosted is awful, it’s bad enough when it happens after one date, or even mid-conversation on an app, but for it to happen in an established relationship is traumatic. The problem with ghosting is that we try to answer the questions it leaves us with, we attempt to fill in the blanks, and if we are predisposed to low self-esteem then we inevitably look to ourselves and what we think is wrong with us to find the answers.
Many of us will go straight to “I did something wrong, I said something wrong, I am wrong, I’m not good enough, I’m bad in bed, I’m not pretty enough….” when trying to figure out the cause. But it’s not you – it’s them.
You have every right to be confused/upset/angry and you have every right to expect an answer from him about why he has done this, but you might never get one, and you don’t actually need one. Ghosting happens because the other person cannot face telling you that it’s over, they either don’t want to, or they feel they can’t. Sometimes ghosters are simply nasty selfish people who just don’t care enough to bother explaining themselves. But often it's more complicated than that. They’re not bad people, they just can’t find the words.
Ultimately, ghosting serves to avoid accountability. The ghoster doesn’t want to face explaining themselves, or hurting you, they don’t want to be accountable for the ending of the relationship. Sometimes they simply don’t know how to end it and the thought of having the conversation fills them with dread. It’s a cowardly way out.
Sometimes ghosters believe that it’s the best way of doing things – they believe that they're avoiding hurting you by not giving you a reason. Others think that ghosting works because the other person will simply get the hint.
Sometimes mental health is the cause, they've slipped into a dark place, and they cannot face their responsibilities – this would fit in with you finding him in bed during the day. Sometimes they do it because they want to keep their options open, they don’t want to officially end it in case they decide they want to come back.
Maybe he met someone else, maybe he's suffering with depression, maybe he's having serious financial problems, maybe he decided he didn’t want to date someone with kids, maybe he realised he’s gay, maybe he got the ick, maybe he fell too deeply in love and can’t handle his feelings and requires intensive therapy. Maybe the prospect of the holiday made him panic, maybe, maybe, maybe, there are a thousand potential maybes……speculating and ruminating over them will not give you the answer. Nobody will ever know the true reason apart from him.
The answer is not essential to your healing and moving on. The most important thing is not filling in the gaps with your own answers, when thoughts of ‘maybe I’m not good enough’ come into your head try to replace them with ‘maybe I was TOO good.’ His ghosting is not a reflection of you, or of what any future partner might think of you. It’s all on him.
Ghosting is lonely and hurtful, so surround yourself with love and community. Get your family and friends around as often as possible, talk it through with them. Work on self-love and care. Ghosting is traumatic, it can damage our ability to trust, it can make us fear abandonment, so counselling might help you to try to reframe your thoughts and rebuild your self-esteem after what you’ve been through.
And beware of zombieing – if he reappears from the dead asking for another chance then be very careful. Ghosters are often repeat offenders. Prepare yourself for seeing him around town and hold your head up high and look him in the eyes if you do, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You just fell for a man who needs serious therapy, and that is absolutely not your fault.
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