Matt Hancocks SAS: Who Dares Wins beasting was too soft – it needed pliers

Were you let down by the alleged grilling Matt “Handsy” Hancock got on Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins? Where was the water-boarding? Where were the pliers?

In fairness, the former Health Secretary did get punched repeatedly in the kisser by Jermaine Pennant – a tad tougher than eating a cow’s arse in the jungle. And Foxy did dub him “Hancock without the ‘Han’.”

He was also called a “complete and utter buffoon”, told he runs “like a f***ing ostrich” and ordered to “shut the f*** up”. But to really hit home, directing staff should have brought in heavy-hitter Nick Ferrari with tough questions. Like what about the 20% stake “Cock” had in his sister’s company that somehow won a £300k NHS contract…

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  • Pennant was the first footballer to play in the Premier League with an electronic ankle tag. Throw in Gareth “don’t mention the HIV” Thomas and it starts looking like SAS: Who Cares Who Wins. Unless, like me, you’re cheering on Melinda.

iLove this telly trove

If today's telly ever gets you down, the BBC iPlayer is stacked with crackers.

Classic dramas like House Of Cards – the 1990 original with Ian Richardson as scheming Tory chief whip Francis Urquhart. A masterpiece. And Life On Mars – with Philip Glenister’s brilliant Gene Hunt, a throwback to the glory days of The Sweeney.

You can also find Happy Valley, Luther, Peaky Blinders and Line Of Duty, as well as the best BBC sitcoms this century – The Office, Extras, Gavin & Stacey.

  • Why won’t Beeb bosses let adults watch cherished 70s comedies like It Ain’t Half Hot Mum? Stop acting like the Thought Police and let us make our own choices.

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