E4’S latest brides-to-be were discussing their ideal man, in a London club, earlier this week, when the very last thing on any of their minds arrived with a camp exclamation.
“Hi, hens! The cock’s arrived!”
He certainly has. And his name is Thomas Hartley, from Liverpool.
Although, in fairness to him, there are cocks everywhere you look on Married At First Sight UK, a show which should simply not exist in a civilised society, and makes its intentions clear by the fact its closing credits boast a “Casting Team” of nine, but just one psychologist.
Past runs have also suffered an attrition rate like Zsa Zsa Gabor, so it’s a constant source of fascination and horror to me that anyone would volunteer to marry a complete stranger and be part of this ritual humiliation.
Pains in the a**e
Yet volunteer they do and the show is now on to its seventh series where, “after a mammoth and intricate matchmaking process”, they’ve finally settled on eight couples to mortify the nation, over the next few weeks.
With the best will in the world, none of them fits the description “intellectual colossus”, and almost all of them are suffering from rejection issues, usually caused by an absent parent.
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Outwardly, though, several seem reasonably normal and have very responsible jobs, like financial adviser and dad-of-four George, who looked like the luckiest man alive, marrying former Miss Great Britain April Banbury, right up until the moment she read out her wedding ceremony poem. “I promise to do the dishes in our kitchen sink.
“If you help me to bed when I’ve had too much to drink.”
The casting team have clearly performed their evil task well, though, because there are at least two newlyweds who leave no room for doubt.
They are simply massive pains in the a**e.
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The first, obviously, is fame-chasing Thomas, whose own mother rather lovingly describes him as, “an absolute f***ing knobhead”.
Thomas, though, did at least make me laugh when he took one look at his new husband Adrian and said: “I didn’t contemplate marrying Clare Balding.”
The same really cannot be said for Whitney, who gave a fair idea of what was to follow when she introduced herself by saying: “People always make assumptions about me that I’m cold, cocky, too arrogant and rude. But once they get to know me . . .”
They quickly realise that’s her good side and underneath Whitney’s sneering exterior there is a charmless, belittling monster of a woman who uses silence as a weapon and put-downs as her preferred method of communication.
Before Whitney got to meet her new husband, she’d said: “He’s got to be tall, with a thick, lustrous beard.”
Unfortunately, Osama Bin Laden was unavailable and she ended up with Duka, who she quickly set about humiliating in the most excruciating manner possible by forgetting his name (three times), swearing throughout the wedding ceremony, mocking his height and vows and then refusing to kiss him later with the words: “Thanks but no thanks.”
Sympathy for Duka is limited, of course.
He was stupid enough to volunteer for the show, so must have been aware of the pitfalls from watching previous series.
You could weep, though, for his poor dad who, we learned, had fled war in the former Yugoslavia, with his wife and son, to rebuild a family life in Britain and was now watching it all get destroyed on an unconscionable reality show.
You’d like to think some of Channel 4’s incredibly well-paid executives looked at the sadness in his face and had a twinge of regret about what they’d done, but Married At First Sight UK is hardly an isolated incident.
This week, I could’ve written almost identical leads about C4’s Naked Attraction, which featured a man who thought his donger was too big, and E4’s Send Nudes: Body SOS, which featured a former Naked Attraction contestant who thought his donger was too small.
All bases are covered then, but it’s the exact opposite of the public service broadcasting this network claims to champion.
That’s why I hope, in ten years’ time, once it’s been flogged by the Government, we’ll all be chuckling indulgently at some nostalgia show and the idea a publicly owned network used to strip members of the public naked and marry them off to each other for a laugh.
In the meantime, April has snogged a woman, on her honeymoon, Thomas and Adrian are barely on speaking terms, in Mexico, and Duka’s still wondering: “What does it take to break down Whitney’s walls?”
Try an electric jackhammer or wrecking ball. One of them will work.
Unexpected morons in bagging area
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “In an opera by Richard Strauss, which Biblical figure performs the dance of the seven veils?”
Robbie: “Jesus.”
Fastest Finger First, Anita Rani: “In the UK, a General Election typically takes place on what day of the week?”
Kal: “May.”
Ben Shephard: “In the UK honours system, what is the male equivalent of a Dame?”
Andrea: “A Duchess.”
Random irritations
THE ever-ballooning ego of Last Leg host Adam Hills reaching the stage where he’s dressing in Gareth Southgate waistcoats and claiming: “I will fix the nation.”
BBC1 managing to crowbar its twin obsessions with the Windrush generation and Britain’s “evil” empire into The Repair Shop.
ITV tightwads replacing Tipping Point with dreadful Millionaire promo show Fastest Finger First. A Naked Attraction contestant announcing “My name is Zeus and I actually identify as a trans man.” (Ye gods.)
And the BBC offering up warnings, helplines and disclaimers for everything except the one show that really needed it, this week.
Blackpool Dance Fever: Featuring facelifts that some viewers may find distressing.
A Wrex factor winner
AN odd thing happened on Tuesday night.
I checked the Wrexham score, saw they’d beaten Gateshead and smiled as I realised they were now just a point off top spot in the National League.
This, despite the fact I’ve never seen them play or even visited the town.
I am, though, utterly charmed by Welcome To Wrexham, a fly-on-the-wall documentary, from the Disney+ channel, where Hollywood stars Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney try and fail to work out why exactly they bought the Welsh club, whose fans are so long-suffering they now communicate their feelings almost entirely in obscenities.
Both Ryan and Rob are aware of the narrative, obviously: “It’s an underdog story.”
But neither had probably bargained on having to do voiceovers for the club’s main sponsor: “Because, nothing says ‘I’m thinking of you’ . . . and your horse, like an Ifor Williams trailer.”
Their motives, you sense, though, are pure and as well as being committed to the club, they’re also funny, self-deprecating, swift on the uptake and alive to the prospect of failure and the fact, “there’s a version of this story where we are the villains”.
Such is the obsessive and parochial nature of British football and its supporters, there’s also a version of the story where Wrexham become too successful and are no longer loveable underdogs. For the moment, however, it’s the most beautiful story on television. (The first four episodes of Welcome To Wrexham are available to watch on Disney+.)
FOR all those who’ve been waiting two weeks for a break in the constant Big Breakfast din, relish this unscripted moment of live television which happened at Manchester’s Pride festival, just before 10.30am, on Saturday’s show.
Reporter Harriet Rose: “It’s Melvin’s first Pride, any tips for him?”
Reveller: “Don’t get Monkeypox.”
Silence . . .
Lies and delusions
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month.
Married At First Sight – One Year On, Nikita Jasmine: “Everyone wants a piece of Nikita Jasmine now.”
Sport Relief – All Star Games, Ferne McCann: “My middle name should be Competitive.” (Am sticking with “Ruddy”.)
And Celebrity MasterChef, Kitty Scott-Claus: “I am a very charismatic, sexy, effervescent young woman.”
None of the above.
SEE also: Trip Hazard, Tuesday, 9:46pm, Joanna Lumley: “It’s time for Rosie Jones to jump out of a plane.” ’Cos that was about 18 months ago. And sod the parachute.
INCIDENTALLY, how do you think those woke cowards at BBC Breakfast and Good Morning Britain would normally describe a street party where there was one murder, multiple stabbings, 209 arrests and eight people lifted for sexual assault?
Because I don’t think the words “largely positive” and “largely good-natured” would come within a million miles of their reports, if it happened anywhere other than the Notting Hill Carnival.
Great sporting insights
MICHAEL BEALE: “We’ve got four players over 25 in Steph, Albert and Seny.”
Scott Parker: “It is humbling because we lost the game and I’m standing here just after kick-off.”
Alan Shearer: “Just watch the run he doesn’t make here.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
THIS Morning, Ruth Langsford: “What was your worst I’m A Celebrity moment generally, Matthew [Wright]?” Finishing ninth and not even being popular enough to scrounge a daytime quiz show in the aftermath. Next?
TV Gold
BILL MAHER’S brilliant monologue about straw man arguments on Real Time.
C5’s Noel Edmonds: The Rise And Fall Of Mr Saturday Night featuring foul-mouthed outtakes from the DLT Gotcha.
C4’s brilliant Night Coppers breaking down a front door only to discover: “This is a cupboard.” And goalkeepers Rob Lainton and Christian Dibble on the unique player/supporter bond at the Racecourse Ground on Welcome To Wrexham: “A lot of times you hear people calling you s**t, and I think I’m in good nick but I get called a fat b*****d.”
“Try getting called a ginger f***er.”
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Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is Liz Truss and the Chucky doll.
Emailed in by Peter Scott, of Glasgow.
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