Dear Deidre reveals the biggest sex problems ruining relationships – including common secret blokes keep from wives | The Sun

Outwardly, you would never know: I’m 45, a businessman and happily married with two children.

My wife, who’s 44, doesn’t know about my porn addiction. I can’t tell her because she’d be horrified.

I watch it when she is asleep and when I’m supposed to be working. I am tired all the time, falling behind in my job, and my relationship is suffering. I tried going cold turkey but that didn’t work.

My mates wouldn’t understand. They all watch porn and would think the situation is funny. Please help.

DEIDRE SAYS: Online porn is now designed to be addictive and it is brave of you to admit to having a problem.

My support packs Internet Pornography Worry? and Addicted To Sex have lots of information about the reasons for this and on where you can turn for help.

You can also try the free Kick Start Recovery Programme, which provides self-help for sex addiction (sexaddictionhelp.co.uk) or have a look at The Laurel Centre’s Online Recovery Course (laurelcentre.co.uk).

Pornography problems

WE all know that porn is readily available these days, but many don’t realise the huge impact it’s having on relationships up and down the country.

It’s no exaggeration to say Dear Deidre hears from at least two people a day who are affected. 

Mostly we hear from men who know they have an issue because their usage is stopping them from forming or maintaining relationships, or from women who feel rejected and demoralised because their partners prefer to use porn instead of having a fulfilling sexual relationship with them.

What may start as an addiction to adult content often develops into sex addiction.

When people become dependent on porn or sex, they withdraw from their usually healthy sexual relationship, which in turn causes the emotional relationship to break down.

There's a huge stigma around this addiction because who wants to admit to their boss, mum or even friends they are addicted to porn? 

The good news is, however, there is plenty of effective help available and that’s what Dear Deidre is here for: to deliver well-informed advice.

Relationships & social media

DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend says he loves me, but he’s erased me from his life on social media. He’s told me that I’ve ‘let myself go’ and until I start looking after myself again, I won’t be appearing on his accounts.

To begin with, he was proud to show me off and I was plastered all over his Instagram and TikTok.

He’s 30 and I’m 23. I love him.

But gradually I started to notice that he wouldn’t include me in his posts, was presenting himself as single and was making really flirty comments on other women’s posts.

I’ve started to lose my confidence and when I asked him about what was happening, he got annoyed with me. He said I’d lost my self-respect by putting on weight and hadn’t kept up my grooming. 

He had bought me a beauty voucher and suggested I use it to get lip fillers but I’m scared of needles so haven’t used it. 

I still get my nails and hair done but it’s obviously not enough for him.

We split up recently because our sex life dried up. I’d lost my libido, but my partner said it was because of my weight gain.

He’s even stopped holding my hand in public. What can I do to get our relationship back on track?

I was looking back at old posts of us on his accounts and he’s even deleted some images and in others now refers to me as a ‘mate’.

My paranoia is out of control and I’m convinced he must be talking to other girls.

DEIDRE SAYS: This isn’t love. You don’t say such hurtful things to someone you love. 

This man is showing traits of narcissism and you don’t deserve to be with someone who only thinks about his own ego. I’m not sure he is capable of love at all.

If you want to lose weight, that is your choice but don’t let anyone else tell you you’re not good enough.

My pack called Addictive Love may help you to see this man for what he is – selfish and controlling.

Secret lives on social media

WITH the advent of an all-encompassing social media, we regularly hear from readers whose online relationships simply don’t match their real-life loves.

More often than not, a reader feels comfortable until they notice discrepancies in their digital relationship.

The tell-tale signs are usually their partners stop including and misrepresenting them in their posts. In more extreme cases, they block them or delete them, while presenting themselves as single online.

Before, someone could hide a relationship relatively easily, but with the proliferation of social media, there are more clues if someone’s shady.

Relationship breakdown 

DEAR DEIDRE: I GAVE into temptation and started an affair with my younger neighbour and my wife of 24 years has kicked me out.

I’ve said sorry and have even suggested we move to the coast to start again but my wife is having none of it.

I’m 51 and she’s 49. Our children are young adults now but still, I don’t want to break up the family.

Lockdown was horrendous. I lost my job and she had to work from home the whole time. I was low and she was sick of having me around. 

We bickered nonstop and when I built a garden room outside to get away from her, our neighbour took quite an interest.

She’s 41 and was really complimentary. She even asked me to build one for her. 

When my wife went back to her office recently, this neighbour – who had made it very clear she fancied me – and I, ended up using her garden room to have sex.

Another neighbour told my wife of their suspicions and so one day she pretended to go to work. But she stayed in a local cafe monitoring my moves on her phone.

When she saw I’d gone next door, she surprised us. The fallout ever since has been awful.

She says she’d had enough of me over lockdown and now she's been cheated on, she can’t see a way back.

How can I convince her to forgive me?

Deidre says: It is possible for couples to recover from infidelity and even to strengthen their relationship but both parties have to be willing to accept that changes are needed.

I’m afraid that if your wife has made her mind up that your marriage is over, there is very little you can do about it.

As keeping your family together is important to you, couples counselling will be helpful, even to help you both separate with dignity. Please contact Tavistock Relationships (www.tavistockrelationships.org).

Lockdown lust & loss

LOCKDOWN has definitely been the catalyst for a lot of relationship breakdowns and we know divorce rates are rising globally.

Spending so much time cooped up together, through such stressful times has proved too much for many couples.

While we were all living under strict restrictions, the pressure for many was simply too much and within five months we saw a huge spike in divorce applications. 

Leading British law firm Stewarts logged a 122 per cent increase in enquiries between July and October 2020, compared with the same period the year before. Charity Citizen’s Advice reported a spike in searches for online advice on ending a relationship. 

And judging from the contents of our inbox, it's not over yet. Many were gritting their teeth and wading through their issues, and now the crisis stage of the pandemic is largely over, they are assessing their relationship status and wishing they were single. 

For many where there were cracks before, there are gorges now. 

Loneliness

DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE only had one serious relationship and an awful lot of disastrous flings.

I’m 26 and female and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been catfished, lied to or ghosted.

Most of the blokes on the dating apps want to know within a couple of questions whether you like ‘anal’ or being throttled. And when I tell them ‘no’ they disappear.

Plenty of guys ask me out on nights out, but the most I ever get is one date and then I’m dumped. 

I’m good-looking, chatty and good fun, so why can't I meet a good man?

All my friends are either in long-term relationships or expecting babies. I’m lonely and feel like the only singleton in town. Help!

Deidre says: Try not to take it too personally when men ask you such intimate questions so quickly. They don’t know you.

Take it as all you need to know that they are not the right person for you.

There is nothing wrong with you. Many people do meet through dating apps, but it really isn’t for everyone. 

A good way to meet like-minded people is by joining a club. You're far more likely to meet someone similar to you that way.

Dating app disasters

IN this digital age we are far more connected and yet, perversely, we hear more than ever from those who are desperately lonely. 

Many meet through dating apps and social media but, we hear daily from readers who can’t meet anyone right digitally. 

We always advise them to go ‘old school’: join some clubs and simply make friends. Because it is often through friendships that relationships grow, but also because by joining a group you are far more likely to meet someone with a common outlook and interests.

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Listen to more great advice

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