DEAR JANE: I love my girlfriend but have better sex with another woman

DEAR JANE: I’m torn between two women… the girlfriend I love and the ex who is amazing in bed. So who do I choose? Top author Jane Green gives VERY frank counsel to a man who wants the best of both worlds

  • In this week’s agony aunt column, Jane shares advice with a confused man who is torn between two women 
  • She also reaches out to a woman who worries her husband is an alcoholic 
  • Do you have a question for Jane? Email [email protected] or ask it below 

Dear Jane,

I have had an on-and-off girlfriend for a little over two years. I love her tremendously, and she is beautiful. We get along great and have a really great relationship but we are missing a spark – more me I think – and we rarely have sex. 

For me that’s the one thing I want to fix and we have tried working on it. Whenever I try to talk to her about things I would like she seems to take it as a personal attack, which it is not. I’m just trying to tell her what it is that I want.

Unfortunately I don’t know exactly what I want, and I think that part of the sexual energy is the allure of not knowing, of what might happen. 

She was raised in a very conservative home and hasn’t slept with many people; I believe I have a lot more experience and perhaps might like more ‘experience’ in a lover.

Dear Jane, I’m torn between two women. I have great sexual chemistry with one but get on better with the other and I wish I could combine them both

When we broke up for a few months one time, I met someone else. We had great sexual chemistry and generally speaking get along well, but not nearly as well as my girlfriend now. 

I recently got a promotion and have to move out of state. My girlfriend changed her mind and decided she wouldn’t be going with me because we are not married. I would happily propose but can’t do it without finding our sexual chemistry. 

On the other hand the ‘ex’ has reached out and wants to give it another try and I’m keeping an open mind about that.

In a perfect world, I wish I could combine the two women and it would be perfect. I suppose it’s a good problem to have and I’m very lucky but it’s torture because I don’t want to lose my girlfriend but I can’t keep her to myself if we aren’t having sex.

International best-selling author offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her weekly Dear Jane agony aunt column

What advice do you have for me please? Any thoughts?

From, Wanting the Best of Both Worlds

Dear Wanting the Best of Both Worlds,

You can’t have it, I’m afraid. 

Whilst I don’t think that great sex is an absolute pre-requisite for a marriage, you do both have to be on the same page, particularly in the beginning. Our needs and wants change throughout a marriage, particularly for women around menopause, but knowing you have different wants and needs while you are still dating, and being unhappy because you rarely have sex, is a terrible foundation for a marriage. 

I don’t think either of these women are right for you, and I would take some time to think about why you feel the need to commit at this particular time. 

You have a lot going on, with changing jobs and moving to another state, which is where your focus and energy needs to be. 

I would also be extremely wary of any kind of ultimatum; the fact that your girlfriend won’t move with you unless you propose seems like the worst kind of ultimatum. If and when you propose to anyone, it must be because you have found a partner who meets you not on every level, but certainly on the levels that are important to you, one of which is clearly sex.

Whether your girlfriend has a low sex drive or whether it is the particular dynamic with you, trust me on what I am about to say: it isn’t going to change. 

As for the ex, she needs to stay an ex. Great sex with the wrong person is just that: great sex with the wrong person. And the wrong person will never miraculously turn into the right wife.

Take some time enjoying being single, and explore exactly what it is you like when it comes to sex. Get comfortable with that, and comfortable with sharing those needs and wants with whoever you are having sex with. 

I would put all serious relationships on the backburner at least until you are settled, and truthfully until you have sown a few more oats and grown more comfortable with who you are in the bedroom.

Dear Jane,

I think my husband is an alcoholic. We’ve been married for four years and have always enjoyed drinks together… we both love going out for cocktails on occasion and relaxing with a bottle of wine or a martini in the evenings, but recently I’ve started to notice that he’s drinking more than double what he was six months ago. 

I’ve always been used to him staying in control on a night out but in the past few months, he’s been getting sloppy and it’s frankly become a bit embarrassing. My husband works from home – and quite often when I get back to the house after a day at the office, he’s already finished a bottle of wine. 

I don’t want to make a mountain our of a mole hill but I’m starting to get really concerned and I’m just not sure how I tell him that without sounding like I’m causing a scene for no reason. Even now I’m worried I sound totally crazy and hysterical… Can you help?

From, Shaken Up and Stirred

Dear Shaken Up and Stirred,

First, according to new study released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in collaboration with the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), nine out of ten adults who drink too much alcohol are not alcoholics. 

In fact, the only person who can actually decide whether or not they are an alcoholic, is the person who is drinking too much.

Dear Jane’s Sunday Service 

What a hard lesson it is, to learn that we cannot control other people, no matter how much we try.

For we are all human, fallible, doing the best we can, and too often we are oblivious to the many ways we hurt the ones we love, not from intention, but because of our own damage, because we can’t help ourselves, because we are in the grip of something else or simply don’t know any better. 

For those being hurt, we always have a choice, not about whether to leave or stay, but whether or not to learn how to look after ourselves despite whatever madness is going on around us. 

I am a huge proponent of the wisdom found in twelve-step programs. And a huge proponent of taking care of ourselves first.

And part of the problem with those we love doing too much of what is not good for them, is less about how they behave, but about how it affects us, the people who wish they would stop. The fact that you are writing in, that you are worried you are being crazy and hysterical, suggests to me that an intervention is needed.

Of course the right thing to do is to first bring it up with him, calmly and when he is not drinking. But although we want to think that if they loved us and saw how much they are hurting us, they would stop, that is not the case with addicts and alcoholics. 

If they could stop, they would, but they are in the grip of something they have no power over. Morning promises to stop will dissolve by cocktail hour, leaving partners furious, hurt, and convinced that if only the drinking would stop, everything would be fine.

This sounds counter-intuitive, but the very best advice I can give you is to take the focus off his drinking, and put the focus on your own happiness by taking yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. 

Al-Anon is ostensibly for friends and family of alcoholics, but in truth, it’s for anyone who is letting someone else’s behavior disproportionately affect them.

You will find the room filled with people who have learned to live and let live, who recognize that they are powerless over people, places and things, who realize that the only person they can control is themselves. One of the hardest lessons is detachment, recognizing that we each have our own path, and that it doesn’t matter how much you cajole, plead, threaten, or shout. If he is an alcoholic, he will not be able to stop drinking by himself.

Nor is he likely to get into a 12-step program until he is ready, and sadly, that often comes when things hit rock bottom. 

However your marriage ends up, you probably already know that monitoring his drinking, counting the wine bottles in the garbage, feeling your entire body tense as he gets sloppier and sloppier, is no way to live. Al-Anon will give you not only support and tremendous wisdom, but tools and traditions that will allow you to find peace, whether or not he continues drinking.

I am sending you a huge hug.

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